Fortifying Our Children

By Tamela Thomas, Wellness Manager

There isn't much we wouldn't do for our children. We nurture them as infants, encourage their language and development as toddlers, and make sure they eat right to grow strong. Then somewhere around 6 years of age we send them to school to build a good foundation for learning.

Beyond what children are learning from their teachers, your children are being exposed to a social education among their peers. Clicks of friends begin to form—some kids are "in" and some are not. As parents we get report cards to see how our children are doing in their academic studies, but we don't really have a measure of how they are faring under social pressures. Such pressures can result in a number of behaviors, but one of the most disturbing is the bullier/bullied cycle. A report released in April by the National Institute of Child Health and Human Development found bullying affects nearly one of every three children and teens in the U.S. Our kids may be belittled about their looks or speech, or even subject to physical abuse such as being hit, slapped or pushed.

Since we cannot always be there to protect them, wouldn't it be great to somehow fortify our children with early training—training to help them deal with teasing and the emotional fallout that can result?

Our guest columnist this month, ANKE van de WAAL, describes a program she has developed for 5 to 7 year olds—a program that breaks the bullier/bullied cycle that can affect our precious children far into adulthood.

Bully-proofing Your Children

By ANKE van de WAAL, Life Coach

My neighbor's daughter came home from school with shoulders bent, face down and tears running down her cheeks. "Mom, they made fun of me again." I have known this lovely girl for many years and noticed lately that she has lost that pep in her step and the sparkle in her eyes. What happened? Where is it?

Her little brother reacts to humiliation in exactly the opposite way. He gets angry and aggressive, and his behavior is hard to deal with. Though we have two children reacting differently to the same situation, both have lost their confidence and strength.

Are our children ready to face this fast-paced and ever-changing world? Have we given the same attention and dedication to children's emotional intelligence that we have to making them computer literate? Have we given our children enough tools to be brave and persevere in the face of adversity or challenge?

The bullies

First it is important to understand where bullies come from. Bullies are children who deep, deep inside feel lost and very fearful. They don't want to experience that painful feeling again. In an attempt to regain their position, they make fun of others or command others to do their bidding. Bullies intimidate in the hope that they gain respect and recognition. However, they create just the opposite situation.

Unfortunately, bullies haven't learned how to deal with their emotions and feelings in a constructive way. As a result of being out of control when it comes to dealing with their emotions, they contribute to the creation of new bullies. Sadly enough, this causes the chain to continue.

Emotions are natural and need to be felt and expressed (e–motion = energy in motion). If not expressed, not understood and tucked away over and over again, emotions get distorted and we start to overreact. If tucked away long enough, emotions may boomerang, leaving others with puzzled faces looking for answers to such behavior when there are seemingly none.

Creating a survival kit

I am fortunate to have worked with mentally and physically challenged children for more than 10 years. I say fortunate because these children taught me much about inner-strength and the human spirit. The children were bullied because they looked and acted differently from their peers. They wanted to live and have fun despite their circumstances. They reminded me of the importance in the joy of life. They inspired me to come up with answers to make them ready for the world. During the time I worked with them, I developed a program to teach them to recognize and focus on their strengths, and how to deal with their feelings. I created a "survival kit" that taught them how to access their happiness and what to do when they "lose" it. The program included a treasure chest filled with tools they could use to improve the way they felt. The children learned to see the best in each other and disregard the rest.

My program has emerged into several books and a special program for young children called the Woolly Wizard. The program utilizes stuffed animals and role play to teach children about different emotions and to demonstrate how they look and feel. The children then have access to these tools whenever they need them.

The program teaches children that they are in charge of their own behavior and feelings. Best of all, it teaches them that they can change how they feel and act. Having a choice, children learn to be responsible for what they create. They learn how to "flip the switch" and use their rainbow socks to feel better. Parents and teachers also learn concepts to reinforce the lessons and enhance the effectiveness of the program.

The program also helps children funnel their creative urges. Imagination is a natural phenomenon we all have. We cannot stop our children's creative urges; creativity and emotion need to be expressed. And if children cannot express emotions in a positive, energetic way, they will create in a negative way. Whining, critical children are often bored and not satisfying their creative needs. Their sparkle is gone as they have lost focus on their strengths and capabilities.

The Woolly Wizard program demonstrates to children, and reinforces to parents, the need for clear limits and consequences for actions. For children to feel freedom, they need to know their boundaries. Children need to hear, "I believe in you," over and over again but they also need to hear, "No, this is not okay; you cannot do that." We need to be able to say to our children, "I love you but I don't like your behavior right now."

When children are taught these basics at an early age in an uplifting way, they are far ahead of the game and will always remember them. Without these basics, they may no longer be certain of who they are or where they are going. Children are wizards, we just need to remind them how to regain their self-confidence or reclaim their happiness when they feel lost.

Raise a Wooly Wizard

We may not always be able or have the time to help or protect our children. Therefore, they need to have their own tools, know how to access them and know how to use them in an empowering way. We can teach children that they have a choice to be a bully wizard or a Woolly Wizard!

BIO: ANKE van de WAAL is founder of the Woolly Wizard Foundation, and is a Life Coach with the WAC's Why Weight? program.